Please allow me to introduce myself: I am The Damned.
Oh so very dramatic, don’t you think? Hey, I’m working within a theme here … bare with me.
Let’s do the math.
We’ve known for a long time that television is evil. Just look at the history of the devil’s box*. As a nation, we used to go out and actually do things … before television. The microwaved poision in a pouch called Hotpockets would not exist were it not for its progenitor, the TV Dinner. They probably would have never started making microwave popcorn if not for TV … and you must know that crap isn’t good for you. Where would Ron Popeil be today if not for TV? I don’t know, but a lot fewer of us would own a Veg-o-matic or Hair in a Can.
As kids, we probably never would have seen a naked boobie if not for television (unless dad subscribed to Playboy or National Geographic). What? You think maybe God gave us Cinemax (aka Skinemax)? Jackie Gleeson used to hawk cigarette’s during The Honeymooners … how many you figured that little bit of advertising inginuity has killed over the years? Worse, Fred Flintstone use to do the same thing.
So, I think we can all agree that television is bad for you. And a lot of television is really bad for you. I freely admit that I do, in fact, watch a lot of television. Despite the fact that I fully recognize that my television (and that cursed DVR) is slowly killing me, I still watch. I welcome the unholy box into my home and worship in the high definition glory of its soul numbing light.
The conclusion is inescapable. Television is Evil, therefore I too am evil for welcoming it into my home and giving it a place of honor right there in my very own living room. Clearly, I am Damned.
Stick with me, friends … soon you shall be just as damned as I.
*I don’t know if anyone else has called their flatscreen TV the Devil’s Box … but it’s pretty catchy. Feel free to use the term amongst yourselves.